What should you do if you are in love with someone else?
:: Sam Marx
Couples who have been together for an extended period of time naturally tend to become used to one another. In the beginning stages of the relationship, they may well have surprised each other with romantic gestures. As time passes, however, the frequency of romantic acts often tends to slow down or stop all together.
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At such times one or both partners can long for those same feelings of excitement that existed at the beginning of the relationship, and so seek comfort in a new friend or old flame. Quite often this initial innocent contact can develop into feelings of love with their confidant. Tangled in emotions, all matters of the heart are serious and it’s hard to make a decision on what to do next.
Time to self-assess
Before pursuing the new relationship or ending the old one, do a self-assessment. The self-assessment resolves two important issues. It identifies any destructive behavior affecting your relationship as well as clearly defining your expectations of the relationship.
Write down five reasons you fell in love with your partner. Were they tangible things such as your partner’s figure, or were you attracted because of goals and determination. Think about your current relationship and ask if the relationship is meeting your expectations. If it is not are you taking an active or passive role in meeting your expectations? Count up the cost of leaving your current relationship. Do you and your long term partner have major investments together such as a home or children?
Unless you are intimately involved with someone, you rarely see their bad side. Before splitting up with your long-term partner, ask yourself if you are ready to be without both people if the new relationship doesn’t work out. Most importantly, how would you feel if you learned your partner was in love with someone else? The way you’ll feel about it is probably how your partner feels about your new love interest. Even when you decide to stay in your current relationship, it may be hard to make the relationship work.
Consider counselling
Counselling is an option for individuals who can’t understand the situation for themselves but have a strong desire to save the relationship. Although individual counselling helps you work through your personal issues, couple counselling has a greater benefit. In addition to the individual issues, the couple should be able to work together as a whole to resolve conflicts. The counsellor has the ability to help the couple find the core of the problem and work towards strengthening their relationship.
Putting space between the individual you’re in love with makes it easier to forget the person and the relationship. Because taking a proactive approach accomplishes more than a reactive approach, learn to recognize signs that the relationship is in trouble. For example, don’t become a close friend with someone of the opposite sex unless both partners are friends with the person. Keep in mind, if you have to make excuses to see a person it’s not a good idea to meet that person. Stable relationships are about growing with the needs of your partner as well as the needs of the relationship.